We are back in Winchester, my brother is buried and I am in that state of "what do I do next"? I remember feeling this way when my mother died suddenly, but I was so young that I didn't really let myself feel all the emotions that go along with the death of someone so incredibly close to my heart. The feelings of knowing he will never call again...... I will never call him again. What do I do with his email address on my computer? What do I do with his phone number contact on my cell phone? This last year has been such a state of busyness for me as far as making sure Jeff was provided decent healthcare, dealing with his insurance, etc., that I never really let myself truly prepare for his death. And now here I am, staring at my computer realizing that my truest blog fan will never read it again. Knowing that I will never hear "calm down girl! You take things too seriously, relax......" My brother was a lost and troubled soul for so many of his last years. Why? Why do some people have absolutely no power over their addictions, while others can put something down and never pick it back up? My brother did not want to be what he had become, yet he could not beat it. He tried, he just couldn't win the battle.
To all those who went to such great efforts to call, send cards, flowers and especially to my dearest of friends who drove from Winchester, Nashville, etc. to be there for me - THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU. I have dealt with so much tragedy in my life that I really think sometimes I won't make it through another day, the then I get up, thank the Lord for giving me another day and push on. I have the only true strength anyone can ever have - the strength of my Father in heaven who knows the purpose he has for me and who sees what I can't. Please pray for me in the next few days that I can rest in His arms and feel His peace.
A wonderful session musician and bluegrass phenomenon by the name of Rick Hargis came from Nashville to play at my brother's funeral. After the 21 gun salute and presentation of the flag to my father, the minister spoke and then we got to hear the two songs my brother always told me he wanted at his funeral - Amazing Grace and Will the Circle Be UnBroken. And then of course, in true Jeff fashion we dismissed with Rocky Top being played on Banjo and I could literally feel my brother smiling down on us.
Love to all and don't take any day for granted!
Melissa
